Play: Love on TV

The HOST of the hit TV show “Love on TV” is sitting with the SINGLE GUY who is hoping to find love and short-lived fame. They are sitting by the infamous pool where in the second episode of the season, 3 girls and 2 alligators went skinny-dipping. There were no survivors.

HOST: Welcome to “Foreplay: Before The End,” where we discuss the previous 32 episodes of “Love on TV” with our SINGLE GUY. All this leading up to the big decision: who will he choose to pretend to marry until they both feel their fame slipping away? So let’s get started. First question, how are you feeling?
SG: Well, according to the script I was handed before we started taping, I am feeling fine.
HOST: And, according to the script I was handed, I have engaged in enough small talk to convey a sense of camaraderie between us and now I should head right into the juicy questions.
SG (laughing): Shoot.
HOST: Let’s start with the big question on everyone’s minds: How do you get your hair so silky smooth?
SG: It is just naturally this way.
HOST: Oh really? Well, let’s watch out first montage!

The montage consists of the SINGLE GUY using hair products repeatedly in different locations. During one of the elimination events (where the SINGLE GUY decides who stays and who goes by picking chocolates out of box and giving it to the lady of his choice), SINGLE GUY demands the crew stop taping so he can fix his hair.

SINGLE GUY (quietly upset): You guys said you wouldn’t air that footage.
HOST (jovial): You should have read your contract closer. Now, SINGLE GUY, tell me what your thoughts were when you first saw the girls that would be vying for your heart.
SG: At first, I was overwhelmed. I mean, when that big rig drive up the driveway to the mansion door and 135 girls came spilling out of the back, hot and sweaty from being cramped together for 2 hours, my heart was aflutter.
HOST: Your eyes did seem as wide as saucers.
SG: They were. It is only a shame that the 25 other girls who were chosen died in the trailer. (turning to the camera, seriously) My condolences to the families.
HOST: Right off the bat, who was your favorite girl?
SG: Britney.
HOST: Which one?
SG: Oh, all 26 of them.
HOST: What about Brittany?
SG: Didn’t care for her.
HOST: That first night, which we stretched over 3 episodes, there was a bit of controversy over one of you eliminations. Tell us about it.
SG: One of the “girls” was actually two midgets standing on top of each in a dress. I eliminated the top half, but not the bottom. (laughing) What could I say, I’m a butt man!
HOST: That did not go over well with the other girls. They said the midgets were only on the show to escape from their evil circus overlords.
SG: Too bad I didn’t listen to them. When the folks from The Flying Widgets Circus showed up on their elephants to demand the return of Little Lucy, things got ugly. Though I heard the girls enjoyed getting makeup tips from the clowns.
HOST: Let’s fast forward a bit to your first one-on-one date with Jessie.
SG (laughing nervously): Oh boy, here it comes.
HOST: How weird was that date?
SG: Very weird. She kept saying that falling in love within the box set up by reality is nearly impossible. About the absurdity of finding your soulmate and declaring you want to spend the rest of your life together after 2 months and maybe a handful of dates in that time span. That girl was wacko.
HOST: So you eliminated here.
SG: I did. She was too much of a realist for me. I like my girls to be crazy in that sexy, “Oh my god, she might kill me in my sleep” way.
HOST: Like Bethany.
SG: Exactly. When she revealed that she got my face tattooed on her back, I knew it was crazy love.
HOST: And then you eliminated here.
SG: Yeah, she was too crazy.
HOST: Then you have Sarah.
SG: She had a boyfriend! I don’t know why she went on the show. Especially since she brought her boyfriend along with her and introduced me to him. That broke my heart. I thought she was there to find love with me!
HOST: So here we are. Next week you choose between Katey with a Y and Kat<3 with a greater than and three to symbolize a heart. Let's take a look back on how they got here.

The video package for Katey reveals a sweet girl who mainly stayed out of the drama manufactured in these sorts of shows. She has nothing but praise for the other girls, wears conservative clothes, and during the family visit, her mom and dad reveal they have been married for 40 years. She is the All-American girl, when America was in the 1950s.

The video package for Kat<3 reveals a wild child. The first night in the mansion, she took off her top and paraded around. She wasn't going skinny dipping, she just said she did her best thinking when her top was off. In every shot, she is holding an alcoholic drink in her hand, even during the scuba diving date in the Bahamas. The package ends with various other girls declaring Kate<3 is a slut.

HOST: So, SINGLE GUY, do you know who it is going to be yet?
SG: Well, Kat<3 is a slut, so she has that going for her. I can see us being together intimately for a long time, until she needs plastic surgery and my eye strays younger.
HOST: And you guys did seem to hit it off quickly.
SG: How could we not? When she introduced herself, she flashed me. Let me tell you, the pinwheel nipple rings certainly left an impression.
HOST: What about Katey?
SG: Oh, such a sweet girl. I find myself talking to her for hours on end. For example, on our overnight date, we didn't even go under the covers. We just sat back and talked. I love having that intellectual connection with someone.
HOST: She's a girl you can take home to Mom.
SG: Definitely. That is, if my Mom still wants to talk to me after this. She refused to appear on the show, you know? Asked why I couldn't stick with meeting a nice girl online.
HOST: She's probably right! Join us next week when we will see the final dates and find out who SINGLE GUY chooses!
SG: Hey, is it at all possible to combine the final two into one person? That would make this thing a whole lot easier.
HOST: Not a chance. Good night!

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