Short Story: Theodore, The Socially Awkward Vampire

This is the story of Theodore, the socially awkward vampire. As you can imagine, it is hard to be socially confidant when grooming is a nigh-impossible task, what with the lack of a reflection in a mirror. In high school, he wore braces on his fangs. It made it very hard to suck blood from necks, not that he was doing a lot of necking back then. He was a bit of an outcast, though he was a member of the marching band. He played a brass instrument, because those woodwinds reminded him too much of a stake. The braces, plus the fangs, always made playing the instrument hard and the spit valve of the instrument got a steady workout when Theodore was playing. He once let his spit leak all over the section leader’s new shoes when he was talking to the leader. It was not cool.

He had a high school crush, her name was Mira. Her smile was as bright as the sun, and that hurt Theodore. She sent his bat wings a flutter. But she had a boyfriend, Doug Van Helsing. Oh, how Theodore hated Doug. He was the captain of the football team. He once scored 4 TDs in a game, and rumor had it, reached second base with Mira. Anytime Theodore would start to talk to Mira, he would stutter. Theodore would try to hypnotize Mira into coming to his parents’ place to study, but since he could not keep his eyes from darting around from shyness around Mira, it always failed. After graduation, Mira and Doug got married and had 3 kids.

College wasn’t much better for Theodore. Though he made friends with a small group of goth kids, Theodore still was socially awkward. After a long night of bloodsucking, Theodore was sweaty in his morning class. He smelled and the classmates around him knew it. He was alone in his desk when the TA asked a question. Theodore raised his hand to answer, revealing a pit stain the size of Transylvania. Everyone laughed and Theodore blushed a shade paler.

Theodore once thought a girl he liked reciprocated his feelings in college. They got drunk one night and fell into bed together. Literally, they fell into bed when Theodore and the girl walked into Theodore’s room and he tripped over his shoes. They went to sleep in each other’s arms, cuddling. Theodore was in heaven, the girl’s neck just inches from his fangs. When, in the morning, he awoke and tried for the neck, the girl turned away and said Theodore was like a brother to her and she didn’t want to ruin that by being his slave for all eternity. Theodore was disappointed. Just like the time his roommate fangblocked him with that girl at the party. Theodore was sure the girl was into his ruminations on the differences between Dracula and Vlad the Impaler.

Theodore got a good job at a blood bank after college. The pay is steady and the benefits are unbelievable. He lives alone though, his closet full of graphic t-shirts referencing pop culture from the 80s. All the 80s, 1880s in particular. He plays his CoffinBox at least 2 hours a day, with his online handle being CapedOne2 (CapedOne1 was already taken). He has no complaints about life. And the girl down the hall is kind of cute and she smiles at him every time they are in the elevator together. Maybe next time they are together, he can bring up his collection of action figures (not dolls) from the hit TV show, The 20,000 Dollar Pyramid.


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