Archive for March, 2010

Poem: Man in the Moon

March 30, 2010

Whatever happened to the Man in the Moon
Did we leave him up there too soon
He made all the ladies swoon
And made men crazy and act like a loon

To live in the sky is divine
Never having to walk that line
His clothes are made very fine
The greenest of cheeses, he does dine

Among all the heavenly creatures
The Man in the Moon is the biggest feature
His pale glow will leech ya
He is waiting up there to meet’cha

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Play: Two-Point Conversion

March 27, 2010

Locker room setting. A football player is sitting on a bench changing. A cheerleader walks in. She flirts.

CHEER: Great game, Jock!
JOCK: Thanks.
CHEER: They couldn’t stop you.
JOCK: No, they couldn’t.
CHEER: I mean, you threw for like four touchdowns and ran for three more.
JOCK (uninterested): That’s true.
The cheerleader tries to flirt more heavily.
CHEER: You know that uniform looks good on you.
JOCK (shrugs): Thanks for the compliment.
CHEER: Don’t get me wrong, I also think you look good without it on.
JOCK: Unfortunately, the rules state I must wear this outfit while playing.
CHEER: Huh?
JOCK: Nevermind.
CHEER: You know, I am single.
JOCK: No, I didn’t know.
CHEER: Well, I am.
JOCK: I am sure you’ll find someone some day.
The cheerleader stomps her foot.
CHEER: Listen, Jock, I am trying to flirt with you so we can engage in some sexual intercourse.
JOCK: I’m sorry, Cheer. I am not going to do that.
CHEER (upset): Why not?
JOCK: I am not going to fall into that cliche. I am sure everyone is expecting us to hook up, me, after my legendary performance, you, because of your well known promiscuity.
CHEER (humbly): It is well known.
JOCK: So right now you are in your cheerleader niche and I’m in my football niche. But I feel claustrophobic in that role. I want to expand my horizons. That’s why I want to be the class nerd for a while.
CHEER: What?
JOCK: Look at the great life a nerd leads: his pockers are always protected, his glasses are kickass, and his vocabulary is exquisite. That’s why I am going steady with Matilda now.
CHEER: The pimply band girl?
JOCK (dreamily): My little flutitist. If I am lucky tonight, I might get to first base. Wish me luck!
The Jock is now changed into a white dress shirt, messed-up tie and slacks. He goes off. Cheer remains there, dumbstruck.
CHEER: Oh woe is me. Has the world gone crazy? The social pyramid as it was previously constructed has become inverted. Popularity is truly fleeting. Hmm…I wonder what the captain of the chess team is up to now…

Humor: More Fun with Lost Screencaptures

March 25, 2010

Images are either from Lost Easter Eggs or Lostpedia

Humor: Bored

March 25, 2010

BOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBOREDBORED
boredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredboredbored
bOredbOredbOredbOredbOredbOredbOredbOredbOredbOredbOredbOred
bOredbOredbOredbOredbOredbOredbOredbOredbOredbOredbOredbOredb
BOREDboredBOREDboredBOREDboredBOREDboredBOREDboredBOREDbored
BOredBOredBOredBOredBOredBOredBOredBOredBOredBOredBOredBOred
BOredBOredBOredBOredBOredBOredBOredBOredBOredBOredBOredBOred
BOredBOredBOred
boREDboREDboREDboREDboREDboREDboREDboREDboREDboREDboRED
Bored
BoredBored
BoredBoredBored
BoredBoredBoredBored
BoredBoredBoredBoredBored

Interested

Humor: One-Liners Strike Back

March 23, 2010

Pondering the vast injustices in life: taxes, famine, pinball machines.

Alcohol is the perfect product: the more you drink of it, the less you think you have had.

How did we get from sundials to complex watches that only a select few know how to fix?

Tire companies: reinventing the wheel for decades.

Due to the many furry creatures of the region, Canada was mainly colonized by trapper keepers.

An angry, unlit lamp just needs an outlet.

Poem: Time Zones

March 23, 2010

Traveling through time zones
Traveling through time
Temporal cones
From seven to eight to nine

Eastern standard
Central and Pacific too
Only the clock remains candid
When you are on the move

Set the watch ahead or behind
Check the digital time on your cell phone
Time is like an orange, time zones like the rind
So know the time and don’t moan

Haiku: The Informant! (Movie Review)

March 21, 2010

Matt Exclamation!
Damon Exclamation Point!
Great Exclamation!

Haiku: Inside Man (Movie Review)

March 19, 2010

Clive Owen robs bank
More than meets the eye, Denzel
Bottom line: good flick!

Short Story: The Bar Hopper

March 19, 2010

There is a story told in the darken corners of every local bar, pub, and saloon. It is not a tall tale, as someone always claims to have seen the action firsthand. Then there are those who bask in secondhand glory, who pass it off thirdhand. Glasses are raised and clinked against each other. Rounds are bought and shots are had. For you see, this tale takes place in a bar. Well, not really in any one bar. And not really in a bar, but rather over it.

They say his name is Bobby, but that he has also be known as Bob, Robert, Bobert, and Ted. He often says he name depends on the day of the week. He smiles when he says this. He smiles a lot, they say. His smile can brighten a room, they remark, which is good, because as previously mentioned, the establishments he frequents often have dark corners. To say he was a barfly would be an understatement, though somewhat ironic in its description. He doesn’t fly though, he merely hops. So he is more like a barfrog.

It’ll start out small. He’ll laugh and say he can jump over a bar stool. People usually laugh at this statement and accuse him of being drunk. He’ll just shrug, but everyone really knows he is stone cold sober. So people will first weakly protest his jump, but then give in and play his game and both deny he can do it and egg him on. He’ll back up a little, gauge the distance, and make a run towards the chair. And lo and behold, he’s over it, landing on the other side so perfectly, gymnasts weep.

Some people will then mill about, dispersing and heading back to where ever they were before the jump. Others wait. They know what is next. Again, with a grin, he states he can jump over a table. Again, protests and cheers great him. And again, he makes the jump. Then it is two tables together. Then the serving area. Sometimes if it is a warm summer’s night and the windows are open in a bar, he will jump from one wall to the other.

It is all theatrics, building up to his grand finale. He will end his night by claiming he can jump over the entire bar. Not the room, the actual building the bar is in. Doesn’t matter if the bar is located on a New York street corner or a shanty out in the middle of nowhere, he says he will jump it. Now people are really protesting, the color draining out of some of their faces. Surely this guy is crazy. He can’t honestly think he can jump over an entire building? He will smash his face in. He’s gotta be drunk!

But he isn’t. He is just a showman. As he makes his way out the door, some people place bets. Some people hit 9 and 1 on their cell phones, waiting to complete the trifecta. The crowd heads out the door, following Roberto. He stands some distance away, crouching, taking his stance, rubbing his shoes against the ground (it may be pavement, it may be grass). He runs forward, the crowd gasps, and he leaps…over the building. Sometimes, as he is arcing his way over the rooftop, he does a little summersault. A little tuck and roll. As soon as he reaches the other side, and turns around and waits for the others to come rushing to him. They do and do some with thunderous applause. But before they can embrace him, put him upon his shoulders, he turns around again and hops off into the horizon.

So yes, he is a barfrog. A few spectators say they even heard him ribbit a few times. A few ladies even laugh about the feel of his tongue, though he never seems interested in making a romantic connection with his fans. He is just a legend, somewhere between figment and actuality. A ghost, but one who jumps over walls, not walk through them. A true bar hopper.

Humor: Fun with Lost Screencaptures

March 18, 2010

I made these but pulled the images themself from the internet. Sources are where indicated.