Humor: Meet Groucho Beerman

A collection of humorous comments in the spirit of Groucho Marx

(At the police station)
Officer: You’re wanted by the police.
Groucho Beerman: Well, it’s nice to feel wanted.

(In court)
Judge: These are some very serious charges.
GB: I know all about serious charges. I have a credit card.

(At a baseball game. Groucho Beerman gets hit by a foul ball)
Umpire: FOUL BALL!
GB: I’d say, it didn’t even ask me out to dinner first!

(At a concert)
Lady: She has a very lovely singing voice.
GB: Too bad the clothes she dresses that voice in are drab.

Humor: Summer One Liners

Despite my ADD, I love long walks on the beach.

I would say it is hot as hell, but I don’t believe in heat.

I prefer the dog days of summer over the cat calls of winter.

I don’t think it is a coincidence that the Founding Fathers declared our independence during the summer. Even back then, they knew the importance of splitting from a totalitarian regime. Only difference is their break has lasted for 200 plus years.

Do teachers work summer jobs?

Now that I am older and I don’t have any predetermined vacation time, I look back fondly on the days where I knew what I would be doing between June and August: nothing.

I don’t get tan I just go from white to off-white.

I like a cool dip in the pool, especially if it has water in it.

Summer is often called “Bikini Season.” Why couldn’t Earth be a little further from the sun so we could have “Nude Season”?

Did you know that in the Southern Hemisphere, they experience the seasons in reverse? That’s right they are experiencing remmus right now. Poor saps.

When you went to school, did you ever get summer homework? I don’t think the school system knows what the concept of summer is. No wonder the educational system is so out of whack!

A nickname for baseball players is the “boys of summer.” Of course, when a baseball player enters his 13th season, he is called the “man of summer.”

And for the 25th year in a row, the most requested song during the summer is “Cold as Ice” by Foreigner. At least, that’s what I hear requested a lot.

Summer is a boom season for umbrellas: they guard against rain, the sun, and seagulls.

I am contemplating putting a collection of rocks in my car to dump water over. My car is already hot enough to be a sauna I might as well complete it.

Humor: A Continuation of One Liners

You ever yell “Down in front?” when you are watching something on TV and you are the only one around?

You think someone who is into S&M gets turned on by going to court and hearing what bond is set at?

There are only 24 hours in a day. However, at a Lost and Found, you’ll find many more ‘ours.

These are the jokes, folks. You may not laugh, they may not be funny, but they are…um, something!

I am appalled that MAD Magazine is only publishing 4 issues a year. That means less badly crimped back covers as I try desperately to get the fold-in joke.

I don’t say that I am smart. I allow my various degrees to do the talking.

By the way, they definitely need to make diplomas walletsized. I want to whip out my money holder, flash the ‘loma and assure people, “Don’t worry. ma’am, I am a PhD!”

In the Russian Mafia there are a lot of Serj Protectors.

If I am wearing more than two shirts at the same time, am I shirtmore?

English is my first language, but if I don’t get it, then Spanish is my safety language.

All these actresses going to jail doesn’t surprise me. After all, you can spell “Celebrity” without “Cel!”

Humor: One Is The Funniest Number – More One Liners

I once fashioned a weapon out of documents and wet paste. I called it my paper machete

I once interviewed for a position in advertising but didn’t get the job because I didn’t sell myself enough.

What separates us from other animals are our opposable thumbdrives.

Baseball is America’s pastime. 11 PM is America’s usual bedtime.

Junk boats were originally made out of those magazines that come in the mail that you never want.

I love social networking. I am now ignoring more people than I ever thought possible!

When are they going to come up with glass-bottom cars?

I tried to sell my cold on Antique Roadshow, but they told me it was too common.

Any ball can be a stress ball. You just need these instructions: For use as a stress ball, add stress.

I live paycheck to paycheck. By which I mean I forget I am getting paid until I get that check.

A good defense is a great offense. A great offense is going up to someone and insulting their intelligence.

I do crunches every day to help with my abs. Unfortunately, “Crunches” is a chocolate bar and my abs are being helped turning into a belly.

Humor: Once More Into The Breach With One-Liners

Who was the first girl to look at fishnets and decided that they would look good as stockings?

For the longest time I thought The Sopranos was about choir boys.

I keep on hearing about “the big city.” If a city was small, wouldn’t that make it a town?

Buried treasure would be such a great find, except sand gets everywhere!

As technology gets smaller, eyeglasses sales increase.

Why are name tags disposable? Is the industry afraid we change our names often?

Who knew that those ancient dinosaur prints were just their attempts to figure out their carbon footprints?

Beyonce should really meet Ringo Starr. He loves to put a ring on it.

In carpentry, the saying is “measure twice, cut once.” In my conversations with people it is “say ‘excuse me’ twice, then pretend to know what they are saying at once.”

Often, these one-liners are more than one sentence. Writing and Math are like oil and vinegar.

It is great that we are able to trap wild water and put it into bottles.

Music soothes even the savage soul, unless that soul has terrible taste in music.

Trends are just fads that haven’t ended yet.

Plaid is for people who are tired of picking colors.

Humor: One-Liners, One More Time

I bet there were a lot of bald birds back in the days of quill pens.

I once turned the beat around. Before I came along it was heavily into drugs.

I was called a living cartoon character at one point. It was the best compliment I got since I started working at ACME.

You think anyone tells their friend to get worked up when they are too calm?

Circles are overrated.

Where would you place the trophy you won for “Worst Mantlepiece”?

Novels were once called trivials.

The reason why marathoners have to burst through the finish line with their bodies is because they cannot run with scissors.

Some religions think if you take a picture of someone, you steal a piece of their soulds. This makes digital cameras portable containment chambers from Ghostbusters.

Humor: More Than One One-Liner

The difference between me being neurotic and me being erotic is you…and “n.”

Do you think the word tissues comes it dealing with the issue of a runny nose to a “t?”

Wow, those past two one-liners had a single letter punchline. “Y?”

Phones are evolving into computers. I expect to see @Darwin write “On the Origins of Specialty Tech” soon.

I like to think I am a sensitive artist. And that makes me cry.

My attention span is getting shorter and shorter. Just the other day…ooooh, shiny object!

New York City is the city that never sleeps, while Las Vegas is Sin City and keeps secrets. If they ever got together, it would be crazy! Though who would know?

I realize I ask a lot of questions. I say that makes me inquisitive, others argue ill-informed.

Musicians get to makes demos, TV producers, pilots. I would like to see other professions get a “free trial.” “Hey, I am going to give you a preliminary diagnosis. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll come back later with a different one. Maybe a little folksier.”

Humor: One-Liners Strike Back

Pondering the vast injustices in life: taxes, famine, pinball machines.

Alcohol is the perfect product: the more you drink of it, the less you think you have had.

How did we get from sundials to complex watches that only a select few know how to fix?

Tire companies: reinventing the wheel for decades.

Due to the many furry creatures of the region, Canada was mainly colonized by trapper keepers.

An angry, unlit lamp just needs an outlet.

One Liners: The Return

In case of emergency, breakdance.

First there was a unicycle, then a bicycle, then a tricycle. Where’s the tetracycle?

Note to self: cannot use toothpaste to mend a broken vase.

I once was thrown out of a movie for asking them to turn up the sound. Turns out, it was a silent movie. But it was unfair, I didn’t see them throw out the random guy playing that piano.

Andy Warhol once said everyone gets their 15 minutes of fame. However, with daylights saving, it is more like 17 minutes.

Nice guys finish last. Which means all gold medal winners are jerks.

The umbrella should have been invented before the wheel. I mean, man first discovered fire and then waited eons before he invented something to protect the fire from the rain?

I online date; the last three dates I went on were with Explorer, Firefox, and Safari.

You know birds look at planes and go “Man, that guy is lazy. He doesn’t even flap his wings!”

I would never run for President. Maybe powerwalk for the position, though.

One Liners

Sitcom is short for situational comedy. So what type of shows are hydras?

Speakers only work if you don’t use them in Mime mode.

Bars are great places to go, but not be behind.

History is written by the winners, while the losers have to proofread.

Stuffed Animals: Teaching Kids About Taxidermy From a Young Age

I don’t know why people don’t want to live in space. Lots of room, consistent weather, nearest neighbor can be lightyears away. Though housing costs are astronomical.

When I tell jokes in the mirror, I start with the punchline first.

We might not know what tomorrow will bring, but I can tell you, the dish that yesterday brought stinks to high heaven.

A picture is worth a thousand words, unless you left the cap on, then it is worth just one.

Do you think the word “fear” is upset it isn’t known as the “F-word?”

We should send egomaniacs to the Sun. They already think the world revolves around them.