Archive for the ‘Play’ Category

Play: Countdown

March 7, 2012

Two men are sitting behind a console. They are dressed like scientists
MAN #1: Initiating launch protocol. In ten, nine, eight, six…
MAN #2: Hold on there, you missed a number.
MAN #1: No, I didn’t.
MAN #2: I’m pretty sure you did.
MAN #1: Which number then?
MAN #2: I believe it was seven.
MAN #1: No way, that’s my favorite number! I said “Ten, nine, eight, SEVEN, six…”
MAN #2: You didn’t.
MAN #1: Whatever. Let’s just start from the beginning.
MAN #2: Let’s…
MAN #1: Eleven, seven, five, three…
MAN #2: Whoa, whoa, whoa, now you are only counting off prime numbers!
MAN #1: And?
MAN #2: Kinda defeats the purpose of a countdown if you are skipping numbers willy-nilly.
MAN #1: I am not skipping them willy-nilly. I am leaving out numbers that are not only divisable by themselves and one.
MAN #2: Let me do the countdown, you idiot!
MAN #1: Fine, fine.
MAN #2: Initiating launch protocol. In diez, nueve, ocho…
MAN #1: I didn’t know you were Spanish!
MAN #2: My accent only comes out when I am counting down something.
MAN #1: Wait, I have an idea. Let me countdown again.
MAN #2: Go ahead.
MAN #1: Initiating launch protocol. Z, Y, X, W…wait, no, that’s not right.
MAN #2: Let’s just try it together, okay?
MAN #1: Smart. That way we can cover each other’s asses when the other messes up.
MAN #2: Exactly. It’s the scientific way!
MAN #1: Let’s do it!
MAN #1 and MAN #2 link arms
MAN #1 and MAN #2 (together): Initiating launch protocol. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!
Both men press a button
LOUDSPEAKER: LAUNCH PROTOCOL INITIATED. BEGIN COUNTDOWN TO LAUNCH. IN T MINUS ONE MILLION SECONDS.
MAN #1: Good job.
MAN #2: Agreed
MAN #1: Beer?
MAN #2: I’d love to.
LOUDSPEAKER: 998,976…998,975…uh, 998,973? Crap, I lost my place. Start from the beginning…1,000,000…999,999…2!

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Play: The Walk-Off

October 15, 2010

On the field of a baseball stadium. Fans are cheering loudly and players are running around. The INTERVIEWER grabs the HERO

INTERVIEWER: HERO, you just hit a walk-off homerun to win the game and secure a spot in the playoffs from this team. How do you feel?
HERO: Well, you know, it feels good. I was put in this position by my teammates and I really wanted to deliver.
As the HERO talks another player comes up and pies the HERO in the face. The INTERVIEWER and HERO both laugh.
INTERVIEWER: Do you remember the last time you had a hit this big?
HERO: No. Maybe in T-ball.
Another player comes up to the HERO and hits him in the face with powder. The INTERVIEWER and HERO both nervously laugh.
INTERVIEWER: You are now on pace to break your career high in homeruns and RBIs. You are also nearing the end of your contract. Coincidence?
HERO: Oh, I don’t want to talk about that. I just want to concentrate on this season.
Yet another player comes by and throws a drink in the HERO’s face. No one is laughing.
INTERVIEWER: So, uh, how is the wife?
HERO: Uh, the wife is good. She says hello.
A player comes by and hits the HERO in the face with a frying pan. The HERO is mad now.
HERO: A frying pan? Really? That’s it. I am going to give someone an embarrassing injury now.
The HERO darts off. The INTERVIEWER turns to the camera.
INTERVIEWER: Well, that’s it from the field, back to you guys in the booth.
In the booth, the ANNOUNCERS’ faces are covered with various substances from celebrating the victory.

Play: A Minor Infraction

October 7, 2010

Blue and red lights flash as a police officer pulls over a woman.
COP: Know why I pulled you over, ma’am?
WOMAN: I was speeding?
COP: No.
WOMAN: I didn’t signal that turn back there?
COP: That’s not why.
WOMAN: My tags are expired?
COP: Your tags are fine.
WOMAN: I did not come to a full stop at the stop sign?
COP: You did and I have to compliment you on that.
WOMAN: I hit that pedestrian?
COP: He had it coming.
WOMAN: I know, I was going the wrong way on a one way street.
COP: This is a two-way street.
WOMAN: I flipped you off when I saw you?
COP: I thought you were just waving.
WOMAN: My hazard lights were on?
COP: They are off.
WOMAN: I was weaving back and forth in traffic, as if I was drunk?
COP: I smell no alcohol on you.
WOMAN: Why then did you pull me over?
COP: Because you left your coffee on the roof of your car, ma’am.
The COP walks away.
COP: Have a nice day.

Play: Out of Sync

September 17, 2010

A rock band runs onstage to the delight and screams of its fans in attendance.
LEAD SINGER: Thank you! It is great to be here in Cleveland!
BASS PLAYER: Actually, we are in Chicago.
LEAD SINGER: Oh, well, it is great to be wherever we are! We are The Crickets!
DRUMMER: Um, we are not The Crickets. We are The Harpoons.
LEAD SINGER: I knew that. I knew that. Man, it must have been all the alcohol I drank backstage.
RHYTHM GUITAR: You were drinking apple juice.
LEAD SINGER: Was that what that was?
RHYTHM GUITAR: Pretty sure you wrote that as a rider in our contract.
LEAD SINGER: I am way off tonight.
BASS PLAYER: It is the middle of the day.
The lead singer looks up into the sky into the blazing sun.
LEAD SINGER: So that is not the moon?
BASS PLAYER: Not by a long shot.
LEAD SINGER: Okay. Let me get this straight: We are The Harpoons and we are playing a midday concert in Chicago. And the pressure I am feeling on my bladder is from apple juice and not beer.
DRUMMER: Exactly.
LEAD SINGER: Whew. I think I have it all figured out. Now, for our first number, we are going to play our big hit “Stairway to Heaven!”
RHYTHM GUITAR, BASS PLAYER, and DRUMMER: THAT’S NOT OUR HIT!

Play: Love on TV

August 10, 2010

The HOST of the hit TV show “Love on TV” is sitting with the SINGLE GUY who is hoping to find love and short-lived fame. They are sitting by the infamous pool where in the second episode of the season, 3 girls and 2 alligators went skinny-dipping. There were no survivors.

HOST: Welcome to “Foreplay: Before The End,” where we discuss the previous 32 episodes of “Love on TV” with our SINGLE GUY. All this leading up to the big decision: who will he choose to pretend to marry until they both feel their fame slipping away? So let’s get started. First question, how are you feeling?
SG: Well, according to the script I was handed before we started taping, I am feeling fine.
HOST: And, according to the script I was handed, I have engaged in enough small talk to convey a sense of camaraderie between us and now I should head right into the juicy questions.
SG (laughing): Shoot.
HOST: Let’s start with the big question on everyone’s minds: How do you get your hair so silky smooth?
SG: It is just naturally this way.
HOST: Oh really? Well, let’s watch out first montage!

The montage consists of the SINGLE GUY using hair products repeatedly in different locations. During one of the elimination events (where the SINGLE GUY decides who stays and who goes by picking chocolates out of box and giving it to the lady of his choice), SINGLE GUY demands the crew stop taping so he can fix his hair.

SINGLE GUY (quietly upset): You guys said you wouldn’t air that footage.
HOST (jovial): You should have read your contract closer. Now, SINGLE GUY, tell me what your thoughts were when you first saw the girls that would be vying for your heart.
SG: At first, I was overwhelmed. I mean, when that big rig drive up the driveway to the mansion door and 135 girls came spilling out of the back, hot and sweaty from being cramped together for 2 hours, my heart was aflutter.
HOST: Your eyes did seem as wide as saucers.
SG: They were. It is only a shame that the 25 other girls who were chosen died in the trailer. (turning to the camera, seriously) My condolences to the families.
HOST: Right off the bat, who was your favorite girl?
SG: Britney.
HOST: Which one?
SG: Oh, all 26 of them.
HOST: What about Brittany?
SG: Didn’t care for her.
HOST: That first night, which we stretched over 3 episodes, there was a bit of controversy over one of you eliminations. Tell us about it.
SG: One of the “girls” was actually two midgets standing on top of each in a dress. I eliminated the top half, but not the bottom. (laughing) What could I say, I’m a butt man!
HOST: That did not go over well with the other girls. They said the midgets were only on the show to escape from their evil circus overlords.
SG: Too bad I didn’t listen to them. When the folks from The Flying Widgets Circus showed up on their elephants to demand the return of Little Lucy, things got ugly. Though I heard the girls enjoyed getting makeup tips from the clowns.
HOST: Let’s fast forward a bit to your first one-on-one date with Jessie.
SG (laughing nervously): Oh boy, here it comes.
HOST: How weird was that date?
SG: Very weird. She kept saying that falling in love within the box set up by reality is nearly impossible. About the absurdity of finding your soulmate and declaring you want to spend the rest of your life together after 2 months and maybe a handful of dates in that time span. That girl was wacko.
HOST: So you eliminated here.
SG: I did. She was too much of a realist for me. I like my girls to be crazy in that sexy, “Oh my god, she might kill me in my sleep” way.
HOST: Like Bethany.
SG: Exactly. When she revealed that she got my face tattooed on her back, I knew it was crazy love.
HOST: And then you eliminated here.
SG: Yeah, she was too crazy.
HOST: Then you have Sarah.
SG: She had a boyfriend! I don’t know why she went on the show. Especially since she brought her boyfriend along with her and introduced me to him. That broke my heart. I thought she was there to find love with me!
HOST: So here we are. Next week you choose between Katey with a Y and Kat<3 with a greater than and three to symbolize a heart. Let's take a look back on how they got here.

The video package for Katey reveals a sweet girl who mainly stayed out of the drama manufactured in these sorts of shows. She has nothing but praise for the other girls, wears conservative clothes, and during the family visit, her mom and dad reveal they have been married for 40 years. She is the All-American girl, when America was in the 1950s.

The video package for Kat<3 reveals a wild child. The first night in the mansion, she took off her top and paraded around. She wasn't going skinny dipping, she just said she did her best thinking when her top was off. In every shot, she is holding an alcoholic drink in her hand, even during the scuba diving date in the Bahamas. The package ends with various other girls declaring Kate<3 is a slut.

HOST: So, SINGLE GUY, do you know who it is going to be yet?
SG: Well, Kat<3 is a slut, so she has that going for her. I can see us being together intimately for a long time, until she needs plastic surgery and my eye strays younger.
HOST: And you guys did seem to hit it off quickly.
SG: How could we not? When she introduced herself, she flashed me. Let me tell you, the pinwheel nipple rings certainly left an impression.
HOST: What about Katey?
SG: Oh, such a sweet girl. I find myself talking to her for hours on end. For example, on our overnight date, we didn't even go under the covers. We just sat back and talked. I love having that intellectual connection with someone.
HOST: She's a girl you can take home to Mom.
SG: Definitely. That is, if my Mom still wants to talk to me after this. She refused to appear on the show, you know? Asked why I couldn't stick with meeting a nice girl online.
HOST: She's probably right! Join us next week when we will see the final dates and find out who SINGLE GUY chooses!
SG: Hey, is it at all possible to combine the final two into one person? That would make this thing a whole lot easier.
HOST: Not a chance. Good night!

Play: Fishing for Compliments

April 12, 2010

Three guys on a boat in full fishing gear. They are on a peaceful pond.

BOB: So he said he wanted a Fuzzy Navel and he got laughed right out of that bar.
BOB and THORTON laugh. BILLY does not.
BILLY: I think I am going to jump off this boat.
BOB: Why?
THORTON: I mean, I know the fish ain’t biting, Billy, but that is no reason to kill yourself.
BILLY: Bob, Thorton, you know my wife just left me from my brother.
BOB: I thought it was your cousin?
BILLY: He’s that too! Then my dog got run over by a steamroller.
THORON: I still don’t know why the Engvalls were repaving their driveway. They live in a trailer!
BOB: Ever since they won those five bucks in the lottery, they’ve been very haughty taughty.
BILLY: My truck broke down.
BOB: Hey, you did get a good lease on it.
THORTON: Plus, your SUV is still in excellent condition.
BILLY: Then the country song I wrote about my wife and my dog and my truck only reached #2 on the charts. I only won two Grammys!
THORTON: You was robbed!
BILLY: So I think I should drown myself.
BOB: Come on now, Billy, Thorton is right. These problems are just temporary. It is like the great philosopher Nietzche said. Well, I don’t remember what he said, but you get my point.
BILLY: I’m sorry guys. Even though you have provided me with many reasons why I should live, I just don’t see it getting any better. Plus, my memoirs will rocket to the top of the New York Best Sellers List if I do this.
With that, BILLY steps off the boats and disappears.
BOB: That was depressing.
THORTON: Yeah…(THORTON notices BILLY’s line has caught something) Plus, he just caught something.
BOB: It’s mine! I call it!
The two argue over the pole as the curtain comes down.

Play: Emergency

April 4, 2010

Inside of an ambulance, as two paramedics, both males, drive towards an unknown emergency.

DRIVER: We’ve got a possible heart attack on 14th Street!
PARTNER: We never talk anymore.
DRIVER: What?
PARTNER: We don’t talk to each other anymore.
DRIVER: I have no idea what you are talking about.
PARTNER: That’s my point! When we first were going out, we had conversations that lasted hours. We used to entertain guests together!
DRIVER: You mean the patients we pick up?
PARTNER: Yes! I haven’t changed, but you have. You know what I am talking about now?
DRIVER: I told you, I had to pick up a second shift to feed my family.
PARTNER: Oh, it is so easy for you to rationalize it, isn’t it? What about my needs?
DRIVER (talking into the radio): Roger, we are almost there. (To partner) This is a professional relationship.
PARTNER: Professional? I’m like a prostitute, is that it?
DRIVER: That is not what I meant and you know it!
PARTNER: I don’t know anything anymore! (starts to cry)
DRIVER (sympathetically): Listen, don’t cry. You know I hate it when you cry.
PARTNER (sniffing): i know.
DRIVER: Tell you what, I am going to take you out to dinner tonight, my treat.
PARTNER: At Chinco’s?
DRIVER: You know it, buddy!
PARTNER (smiling): I love you.
DRIVER (smiling): I love you too. Now let’s save a life.
The ambulance stops and the guys pop out.
PARTNER (yelling): Now who the hell has the bum ticker!?

Play: Two-Point Conversion

March 27, 2010

Locker room setting. A football player is sitting on a bench changing. A cheerleader walks in. She flirts.

CHEER: Great game, Jock!
JOCK: Thanks.
CHEER: They couldn’t stop you.
JOCK: No, they couldn’t.
CHEER: I mean, you threw for like four touchdowns and ran for three more.
JOCK (uninterested): That’s true.
The cheerleader tries to flirt more heavily.
CHEER: You know that uniform looks good on you.
JOCK (shrugs): Thanks for the compliment.
CHEER: Don’t get me wrong, I also think you look good without it on.
JOCK: Unfortunately, the rules state I must wear this outfit while playing.
CHEER: Huh?
JOCK: Nevermind.
CHEER: You know, I am single.
JOCK: No, I didn’t know.
CHEER: Well, I am.
JOCK: I am sure you’ll find someone some day.
The cheerleader stomps her foot.
CHEER: Listen, Jock, I am trying to flirt with you so we can engage in some sexual intercourse.
JOCK: I’m sorry, Cheer. I am not going to do that.
CHEER (upset): Why not?
JOCK: I am not going to fall into that cliche. I am sure everyone is expecting us to hook up, me, after my legendary performance, you, because of your well known promiscuity.
CHEER (humbly): It is well known.
JOCK: So right now you are in your cheerleader niche and I’m in my football niche. But I feel claustrophobic in that role. I want to expand my horizons. That’s why I want to be the class nerd for a while.
CHEER: What?
JOCK: Look at the great life a nerd leads: his pockers are always protected, his glasses are kickass, and his vocabulary is exquisite. That’s why I am going steady with Matilda now.
CHEER: The pimply band girl?
JOCK (dreamily): My little flutitist. If I am lucky tonight, I might get to first base. Wish me luck!
The Jock is now changed into a white dress shirt, messed-up tie and slacks. He goes off. Cheer remains there, dumbstruck.
CHEER: Oh woe is me. Has the world gone crazy? The social pyramid as it was previously constructed has become inverted. Popularity is truly fleeting. Hmm…I wonder what the captain of the chess team is up to now…