Archive for May, 2010

Song: Troller O’Flaming (Parody)

May 29, 2010

This is a parody of The Who song Baba O’Riley. A troll is someone who goes on the internet and takes the position opposite of the general consensus to start a fight. That is called flaming.

Out here in the forums,
We post for our lolz
I get my thoughts into my living
I don’t need to flame
To prove I’m right
I don’t need to be banned

Do reply
Do raise my rep
It’s only online forum boards

OP, take my hand
Tab cross the net
Put out the flame
Don’t look past my profile
The flamewar is here
The arguement are near
Let’s get together
Before this thread gets locked

Online forum boards
It’s just an online forum board
Online forum board
Oh, oh
Online forum board
They’re all trolling!

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Haiku: Smokin’ Aces (Movie Review)

May 22, 2010

A shoot ’em up plot
In which everyone shows up
Fun, bloody good film

Poem: Surrender

May 16, 2010

Like a great army
Admitting defeat
Don’t be so smary
You have been beat

No place left to go
Or retreat
You and I both know
How to end this neat

Backed into a corner
Get out of the heat
Or else you’ll only leave a morner
Escape is not a viable feat

No ninth inning comeback
No savior to meet
You have run the race around the track
Time to get off the street

So surrender and go home
I won’t tell anyone the deets
Just remember never to roam
And you’ll never again know the agony of defeat

Short Story: Shallow Waters

May 13, 2010

There once was a man named Robert Waters, who was not so affectionately known as “Shallow Waters.” He was known by such a moniker because he was, in fact, pretty shallow. There was not a mirror (of which there were many) in his house that he did not stare into multiple times a day. He liked to remark, mainly because he liked the sound of his own voice, that he had a classic chin, to go along with his classic nose and eyelids. His strove to keep his smile radiant, even going as far as to install little Christmas lights into his enamel.

His wardrobe was alternatingly form-fitting and flowing. He never missed a chance to show off his muscles, whether they be biceps, triceps, or glutes. He often boasted, in fact, that he did not have a six-pack of abs, but rather, a wine cellar, to both impress the ladies with his physique and his culturing. He participated in many marathons to keep in shape, but would often quit halfway through the runs, as he felt sweating was below him. In fact, he rarely went to the gym, as he never felt the need to wipe down the machines, as if his presence was never there.

Now, “Shallow Waters” met the end many egotists meet: he reached old age. When the first wrinkle appeared, he freaked out. Surely, a crease in Michelangelo’s David is more allowable than on his face! From there, it only got worse. Gray hairs starting sprouting, a paunch developed, and even his carefully maintained awareness of pop culture started to slip. He no longer knew what was hip, and more importantly, what was about to become hip, so he could be both ahead of, and dismissive of, the curve. They say Father Time is the cruelest bastard on the planet. To “Shallow Waters,” he was a bigger self-centered S.O.B. than he. Because Father Time was not content on being the chief controller of time, no, he had to take the beauty of others. “Shallow Waters” instantly knew why Ponce de Leon wanted to find the Fountain of Youth.

Alas, the man once called more shallow than a one inch kiddie pool became the ugliest shallowest person on Earth. Some of his friend laughed quietly at the development. Others just clucked their tongues. Others still wondered why they were being grouped in as one of his friends. The lesson here, my dear readers, is that beauty fades, but nicknames last forever.

Humor: More About The Most Uninteresting Man in the World

May 11, 2010

Previously, I spoofed the Dos Equis ads. Now, some more!

He dated a crazy girl for like 6 months.

He wears glasses when he too lazy to put in his contact lenses.

He snuck into a movie that he had already paid a ticket for.

He once had a turkey club on pumpernickel.

He has the high score on that pinball machine in that family restaurant.

He always says hello to his neighbors if he sees them walking their dog.

His high school letter jacket simply says “Did Not Participate.”

He can do the doggie paddle.

His book collection is extensive and exhaustive.

He owns 2 pairs of sunglasses.

He prefers to power walk over jogging.

His favorite band broke up years ago.

He keeps an eight-track in his basement.

His coffee table is covered in magazines.

He wrote a very angry “Letter to the Editor” after he read an article he disagreed with. It did not get published.

His favorite novel was turned into a movie, which he enjoyed.

He dabbles in paperclip jewelry.

He doesn’t always drink when he is thirsty, but when he does, it is water.

Poem: Sleep

May 1, 2010

Darling, lay your head to rest
And let you imagination be the best
Close your eyes and drift away
Leaving nothing left to say

Curl up in that big old bed
Or on that comfy couch instead
Await the arrival of the Sandman
Drift off to Slumberland

Catch those Zs
Sleeping you will be
And as you sleep
I won’t make a peep

I’ll just curl up beside you
And dream of some future view
Of us together like this
Forever, and I don’t want it to be amiss