Archive for March, 2012

Humor: Once More Into The Pun Breach

March 16, 2012

I went to the bookstore the other day. There, I saw a book with a kitschy cover and an engrossing story about a dog detective. I cried out “How novel!”

My idea of a perfect girl is one who will press my clothes and get my sense of humor. I thought I had met that girl once but she said she doesn’t do irony.

Speaking of women, I ran into one at a bar recently. She was a jeweler. I gave her my number, she said she’d give me a ring.

Working as an engineer, you run into some odd people. I was in another department, talking to a friend, and this guy with numbers running up and down his arm walked into the office. Immediately people started to bow down to him. I asked my friend what was up. He said this guy did all the calculations for their projects, keeping them on track. The people liked the job so much they pushed for him to get promoted to the head of the department. That’s right, he was their ruler.

Did you hear about the new combination radio/soap dispenser? The manufacturer recommends that if you don’t like the soap presets the device comes with, you can just turn the Dial.

I like to lie on my side while napping such that I lose feeling on that side of my body. That way, I am only half-asleep.

There is a cool new circular pen on the market that also acts as a skeleton key for doors. It’s called the O-pen.

I got letters from President Clinton, former Microsoft CEO Gates, and the host of the O’Reilly Factor yesterday. I hate it when my mailbox is full of Bills.

I used to have a pet vermin, one those creatures that likes to dig underground, growing up. Unfortunately, it had leprosy. I called him “Holey Moley.”

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Play: Countdown

March 7, 2012

Two men are sitting behind a console. They are dressed like scientists
MAN #1: Initiating launch protocol. In ten, nine, eight, six…
MAN #2: Hold on there, you missed a number.
MAN #1: No, I didn’t.
MAN #2: I’m pretty sure you did.
MAN #1: Which number then?
MAN #2: I believe it was seven.
MAN #1: No way, that’s my favorite number! I said “Ten, nine, eight, SEVEN, six…”
MAN #2: You didn’t.
MAN #1: Whatever. Let’s just start from the beginning.
MAN #2: Let’s…
MAN #1: Eleven, seven, five, three…
MAN #2: Whoa, whoa, whoa, now you are only counting off prime numbers!
MAN #1: And?
MAN #2: Kinda defeats the purpose of a countdown if you are skipping numbers willy-nilly.
MAN #1: I am not skipping them willy-nilly. I am leaving out numbers that are not only divisable by themselves and one.
MAN #2: Let me do the countdown, you idiot!
MAN #1: Fine, fine.
MAN #2: Initiating launch protocol. In diez, nueve, ocho…
MAN #1: I didn’t know you were Spanish!
MAN #2: My accent only comes out when I am counting down something.
MAN #1: Wait, I have an idea. Let me countdown again.
MAN #2: Go ahead.
MAN #1: Initiating launch protocol. Z, Y, X, W…wait, no, that’s not right.
MAN #2: Let’s just try it together, okay?
MAN #1: Smart. That way we can cover each other’s asses when the other messes up.
MAN #2: Exactly. It’s the scientific way!
MAN #1: Let’s do it!
MAN #1 and MAN #2 link arms
MAN #1 and MAN #2 (together): Initiating launch protocol. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!
Both men press a button
LOUDSPEAKER: LAUNCH PROTOCOL INITIATED. BEGIN COUNTDOWN TO LAUNCH. IN T MINUS ONE MILLION SECONDS.
MAN #1: Good job.
MAN #2: Agreed
MAN #1: Beer?
MAN #2: I’d love to.
LOUDSPEAKER: 998,976…998,975…uh, 998,973? Crap, I lost my place. Start from the beginning…1,000,000…999,999…2!