Archive for April, 2010

Humor: The Most Uninteresting Man in the World

April 26, 2010

NOTE: This is a parody of the Dos Equis “Most Interesting Man in the World” commercials

When he takes a punch, it is usually in the face and it hurts.

He once walked through the rain and got completely drenched.

He attended a concert and got a glimpse of the stage from his balcony seats.

He works as a financial consultant from 9 to 5.

He pays his rent on time.

The clown at his 6th birthday party scared the crap out of him.

His best friend used to drive him to school every day.

The clown at his 12th birthday party scared the crap out of him.

He went to the beach and got sand in his shoes.

The clown at his 26th birthday party scared the crap out of him.

His cell phone makes outgoing calls

He doesn’t always drink when he is thirsty, but when he does, it is water.

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Humor: How Well Do You Know Me?

April 26, 2010
Circles of Knowledge

You Call My Name...

Poem: What’s In Me

April 23, 2010

The worms dig into my brain
Robbing me of knowledge
The flies that reside in behind my eyes
Make my vision cloudy
Cotton is in my throat
Choking my speech

In my heart, lies weeds
Growing more and more with each pump
My lungs breath deep in pollen
Making me cough and wheeze
Something foul resides in my stomach
Soaking up nutrients

My knees creak with rust
Throbbing with pain
My feet are covered in moss
Impeding my flight away
Yet, still, somehow, someway
I live with a smile upon my face.

Humor: More Than One One-Liner

April 17, 2010

The difference between me being neurotic and me being erotic is you…and “n.”

Do you think the word tissues comes it dealing with the issue of a runny nose to a “t?”

Wow, those past two one-liners had a single letter punchline. “Y?”

Phones are evolving into computers. I expect to see @Darwin write “On the Origins of Specialty Tech” soon.

I like to think I am a sensitive artist. And that makes me cry.

My attention span is getting shorter and shorter. Just the other day…ooooh, shiny object!

New York City is the city that never sleeps, while Las Vegas is Sin City and keeps secrets. If they ever got together, it would be crazy! Though who would know?

I realize I ask a lot of questions. I say that makes me inquisitive, others argue ill-informed.

Musicians get to makes demos, TV producers, pilots. I would like to see other professions get a “free trial.” “Hey, I am going to give you a preliminary diagnosis. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll come back later with a different one. Maybe a little folksier.”

Short Story: Chronos Disease

April 15, 2010

Will had lived this moment before. He remembered his boss chewing him out this intensely, which seemed only moments ago, but actually was years. In the “now,” as it were, his high school band teacher was yelling at him for marching out of step. Will could only roll his eyes. He did experience this moment before. This exact moment. The only reason why he was reliving it was because of his boss chewing him out, in his office, a few seconds ago and ten years from now.

Will suffered from a mental illness, dubbed “Chronos Disease.” It is best described as Anti-Alzheimer. With Chronos, all your memories are kept 100% and are very vivid. So vivid that sufferers are known to believe they are reliving their past. These episodes are caused by recall when the patient finds themselves in similar situations as to the memory in question. Mentally, the person travels back into the memory, while physically, the body remains in the present.

Will was a Level 3 sufferer, one that has intense attacks, but the situations aren’t always exact. For instance, Will has traveled back to the 2nd grade numerous times, but while there, he sees his best friend not as a child, but as the fellow twentysomething he actually is. The doctors say this is due to the another portion of his brain fighting Chronos and trying to retain some sanity. Will believes something else.

He believes he is actually traveling through time. The doctors deny this. Will says the reason he sees people as they currently are in the past at times is that it keeps him grounded to the present. This is so he can be “called” back to the correct time. The apparations keep him teethered, is his theory. Will is further convinced he is actually akin to a character in an H.G. Wells novel by the fact that he claims to have changed the present/future. Actions he undertook while in the “past” differ from what he can straight recall. The doctors poo-poo this idea, saying whatever he did is what he always did, that his conditions make it seem new, with new memories competing for space with his old ones.

With the band teacher wrapping up his rant, Will lazily started to pay attention. Though he could reawaken in his boss’s office at any moment, he knew his spells usually ended when the similarities between the two situations stopped. Pretty soon, Young Band Will would go trudging to his locker and put his instrument away. That is not something Old Office Will would so.

As if on cue, Will’s vision started getting blurry, signifying a changeover. Before that though, Will smiled and said to the teacher, in front of the whole band, including his best friend, “Well, Mr. Crane, I will work on my marching if you work on counting the band candy money again. Would hate it if it came up short and someone got fired for it.” With that, Will turned and went to leave, but with his vision impaired, he stumbled and suddenly his boss was by his side, grabbing his arm.

Will was back and determined to prove he can change the past.

Play: Fishing for Compliments

April 12, 2010

Three guys on a boat in full fishing gear. They are on a peaceful pond.

BOB: So he said he wanted a Fuzzy Navel and he got laughed right out of that bar.
BOB and THORTON laugh. BILLY does not.
BILLY: I think I am going to jump off this boat.
BOB: Why?
THORTON: I mean, I know the fish ain’t biting, Billy, but that is no reason to kill yourself.
BILLY: Bob, Thorton, you know my wife just left me from my brother.
BOB: I thought it was your cousin?
BILLY: He’s that too! Then my dog got run over by a steamroller.
THORON: I still don’t know why the Engvalls were repaving their driveway. They live in a trailer!
BOB: Ever since they won those five bucks in the lottery, they’ve been very haughty taughty.
BILLY: My truck broke down.
BOB: Hey, you did get a good lease on it.
THORTON: Plus, your SUV is still in excellent condition.
BILLY: Then the country song I wrote about my wife and my dog and my truck only reached #2 on the charts. I only won two Grammys!
THORTON: You was robbed!
BILLY: So I think I should drown myself.
BOB: Come on now, Billy, Thorton is right. These problems are just temporary. It is like the great philosopher Nietzche said. Well, I don’t remember what he said, but you get my point.
BILLY: I’m sorry guys. Even though you have provided me with many reasons why I should live, I just don’t see it getting any better. Plus, my memoirs will rocket to the top of the New York Best Sellers List if I do this.
With that, BILLY steps off the boats and disappears.
BOB: That was depressing.
THORTON: Yeah…(THORTON notices BILLY’s line has caught something) Plus, he just caught something.
BOB: It’s mine! I call it!
The two argue over the pole as the curtain comes down.

Photography: Everything’s Bigger in Texas

April 10, 2010
The Texas Capitol Building

That is the seat of government in Texas

Poem: Dollars and Sense

April 8, 2010

Driven by greed
For the greenbacks and the big bucks
Investments set up like all-in-a-row ducks
To be shot down by someone else’s need

“Easy come, easy go,” they say
Trying to keep a standard of life
Each expendenture, felt like a knife
There is always someone to pay

Nothing lasts forever
Not a name or a bank account
Not even the debts as they mount
Money just goes down the drain, opened by an avarice lever

One cannot be free of money
It is always there, lurking beneath the surface
Like checks that just need a signature cursive
So embrace it, don’t be afraid, make that honey

Haiku: The Brothers Grimm (Movie Review)

April 8, 2010

Fairy tales to life
Finely directed, art scenes
Ledger, Damon great

Poem: Opening Day

April 6, 2010

The field is ready
Grass all cut
Foul lines all chalked
Bases aplenty

The players are all trained
Pitchers, catchers, and fielders
Coaches all coached up
Last year’s stats are not retained

Brand new season
Everyone starts the same
Everyone looking to win
Everyone wants to be champions for a reason

So from the seats of Yankee Stadium
To the ivy of Wrigley Field
The crack of the bat will sound
Echoing through like a concert at the Paladium

Doubleheader, let’s play two
Series sweeps are the best
Hit a homer and jog around
Maybe pose for a moment or few

Let’s win them all
Play till the end of October
Loft that trophy
And play ball!