Humor: Summer One Liners

Despite my ADD, I love long walks on the beach.

I would say it is hot as hell, but I don’t believe in heat.

I prefer the dog days of summer over the cat calls of winter.

I don’t think it is a coincidence that the Founding Fathers declared our independence during the summer. Even back then, they knew the importance of splitting from a totalitarian regime. Only difference is their break has lasted for 200 plus years.

Do teachers work summer jobs?

Now that I am older and I don’t have any predetermined vacation time, I look back fondly on the days where I knew what I would be doing between June and August: nothing.

I don’t get tan I just go from white to off-white.

I like a cool dip in the pool, especially if it has water in it.

Summer is often called “Bikini Season.” Why couldn’t Earth be a little further from the sun so we could have “Nude Season”?

Did you know that in the Southern Hemisphere, they experience the seasons in reverse? That’s right they are experiencing remmus right now. Poor saps.

When you went to school, did you ever get summer homework? I don’t think the school system knows what the concept of summer is. No wonder the educational system is so out of whack!

A nickname for baseball players is the “boys of summer.” Of course, when a baseball player enters his 13th season, he is called the “man of summer.”

And for the 25th year in a row, the most requested song during the summer is “Cold as Ice” by Foreigner. At least, that’s what I hear requested a lot.

Summer is a boom season for umbrellas: they guard against rain, the sun, and seagulls.

I am contemplating putting a collection of rocks in my car to dump water over. My car is already hot enough to be a sauna I might as well complete it.

Poem: Oprah

Well, since Reading for Robin is subtly campaigning for a spot on the Oprah Winfrey Show, I think Creative Bender should overtly do the same. So, Oprah, I hope you are reading this!

Oh Oprah
How I loved you in “The Color Purple”
Though I have never seen it
What rhymes with “purple”?

Oh Oprah
Your show went from somewhat trashy
To nothing but classy
Great, now the rhyming scheme is off.

Oh Oprah
I wish I was in your audience
And looked under my chair for some goodies
Though I imagine the taxes are huge on that sort of thing

Oh Oprah
You have so many celebrity friends
I bet you hang out with them all the time
And not only when they want to use you for a means to an end

Oh Oprah
Some of your shows make me cry
Just like a big, babbling baby
Especially the ones with free stuff (Did I mention already?)

Oh Oprah
Your book club opened my eyes and ways
To stories beyond pop-up
Whatever happened to that chap James Frey?

Oh Oprah
Soon you will leave us
And go to a channel called the Oprah Winfrey Network
Wait…OWN? I get it!

Oh Oprah
Though your weight my yo-yo
My love for you never will
Despite never watching a complete episode
Still more than I have seen of “The Color Purple”!

Oh Oprah
I feel like I’ve screwed this whole poem up
Can I still come on your show
And lament the fact that I am not really that creative?

Oh Oprah
Oprah, Oprah, Oprah
Oprah, Oprah
Oprah…Gayle

Steadman?

Analysis: “Seinfeld” is in an Asylum – Part 1

“Seinfeld” was a landmark TV sitcom in the 1990s. It ran for 9 seasons and was most famously dubbed a “show about nothing.” Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer got into all sorts of trouble, usually by their own doing and malaise. It generated numerous catchphrases and entered the pop culture consciousness where it will remain in eternity. But was there a dark tale being told underneath the laughs? I am not talking about how the foursome was probably the most loathsome group ever to grace the small screen. No, that was presented upfront. No, I am talking about something more sinister:

Jerry Seinfeld, the main character on the show, was actually in a mental asylum after suffering a nervous breakdown after a poorly received standup act and was imagining his adventures of a single guy in New York City with his friends.

NOTE: This theory does not pertain to the real Jerry Seinfeld, nor cocreator Larry David.

The standup that acted as the cold opening and the show’s coda for many seasons is blend of real and fiction. That was the poorly received show forced Seinfeld into the asylum. While the act is real, the crowd’s response is not. In Seinfeld’s dream version, everyone is laughing at the cute gags. In real life, no one uttered a guffaw. This drove the Seinfeld character mad and he broke from reality. This would explain why the non-standup scenes reflect the standup: crazed Jerry is trying to justify the jokes he wrote by placing them in “reality.” Those sly observations of his are true to life. The act is not commenting upon the meat of the episode, it is the reverse: the plot of the episode springs from the act and Jerry constructs a world around it.

Furthermore, each character represents a part of Jerry’s psyche:

George: his neurosis. George is Jerry’s “lifelong friend.” Jerry has always had these problems, where he analyzes things in the extreme. It is what causes him to go crazy when his act failed. Rather than admit the material was weak, he recedes into his own mind. The sometimes contentious relationship between the two is Jerry fighting with himself, trying to poo-poo his neurotic behavior and become better.

Kramer: his wild side, the part of him who wants to throw off social norms and live life however he pleases. As Jerry once said Kramer is leading the life people should pay to be able to experience. Kramer survives despite not having a steady job. His apartment is never fully seen in the show. He is made up. He is who Jerry wishes he could be sometimes, the person who just doesn’t care about anything and just seems to be able to enjoy life on their own terms. He is even successful in the entertainment world with his coffee table book. Kramer also may rub more celebrity shoulder than Jerry does over the course of the show. Kramer is Jerry unleashed.

Elaine: his feminine side. Elaine and Jerry used to date but now they are just friends. So they were “together” and now they are apart and have only a casual relationship, a metaphor for Jerry’s broken psyche. Despite the fact that Elaine is a woman, she is accepted as part of the boys and even acts like one from time to time (her physicality, her ability to dismiss a suitor without a second thought). She is a reflection of Jerry, except with an X chromosome. Her never ending break-up/make-up relationship with Puddy is a reflection of Seinfeld’s struggle with reality. As Elaine finds Puddy boring and stupid sometimes, so does asylum Jerry. When Elaine finds out that Puddy is religious and it disturbs her, this is Jerry’s reaction to other people’s hope that he finds God to help with his own problems. Like Elaine, Jerry pushes away the source and retreats further into his own world.

Part 2 will discuss specific instances from the show that illustrates Jerry’s inner psyche.

Comic: Back of the Envelope – #2 – Everyone is Insulted

Wanted to show you guys that I am improving…

In case you didn’t know, XKCD does stick figures and nerdy humor much better than I ever could. I bow down to their superiority while I secretly plot their downfall.

Comic: Back of the Envelope – #1 – Genesis

Sean is running a little behind schedule again this week, so instead of posting more drafts of previous comics, I decided to take to the pen, which is decisively more mighty than the sword, and try my hand at this. I think it came out pretty darn well considering I have no artistic talent nor the proper equipment to sketch and scan a comic.

Sean, please come back!

Comic: Hollow Oak University – #12 – Humans are a 12, Dirigibles a 17

We have all lost work due to little, annoying things. Not remembering to save, power loss, robot bursting through a wall. Well, maybe not the last part. You have heard of the phrase “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?” ED17 might just encounter the Hollow Oak version, “Hell hath no fury like a woman who just lost a substantial part of her research.” By the way, I am pretty sure Bryn’s research is totally applicable to us in the real world. Someone should get on that and find out.

You know work is going well when I have no complaints about it. I am just keeping my head down and trooping through some program runs. In the downtime, I am extrapolating how much longer I need to do those runs before I can call it a day. I need to take the average of all these different data points. The actual data doesn’t matter, just its average. For once, being average is a good thing!

Since I am writing this blogpost before I actually see Sean’s artwork, I have no idea how it turned out. I am assuming well, because I have the utmost confidence in him to do a great job. Of course, if I am wrong, I won’t change this, because I am a man with honor. And I am lazy, so I stick with my first thought. So Sean has that going for him. Which is nice. See, if you work with me, I’ll just assume great things. Y’know that famous painting of George Washington that is half done? I think it would have turned out very well!

With Bryn making a return to the comic, let’s take a peek at some her research.

-Beerman

Short Story: From the Desk of Bryn Mawr – The Troubadour

From the Desk of Bryn Mawr
Cultural Anthropologist, Purveyor of Economics, and All Around Good Gal

CASE TITLE: Troubadour
Also known as: The Bard, Songstress, Musicmaker
Area of Sightings: Eastern Forest, from Maintop to Sandalwood

Lore:
The first encounter with Troubadour that was not lost to history was in 1725. There, an early settler of Bark Falls said he was out foraging when he heard a melody coming from some unexplored branch. He said he felt almost drawn to the music. When he reached the branch, something took flight, but he claims to have seen a half-Dirigible, half-bird fly away. He said the feathers were of many different colors and seemed to shine in the sun light. The other settlers were a superstitious lot and took this creature has a devil spawn. They set out to hunt and kill the creature. 6 went out. Only 4 returned. The other two went to live in a nearby town when they saw it had better houses.

Legend grew around the being. Parents often told scary stories centered on the Troubadour to warn their children against playing amongst the weaker branches. Often the stories would be about some hapless child being swept up by the tune the monster was playing and wandering out onto the skinny branch. The branch would then snap, sending the child to their doom as the Troubadour would fly away. The tale got so famous that noted fairy tale writer Young Brig Ume incorporated it into his collection. Little details were added or subtracted from this version of the tale: sometimes Troubadour would catch the falling children if they repented for their misdeeds, sometimes the animal would eat the remains of the children to take their innocence.

While the young Dirigibles were kept in fear of the mythical creature, some adults were fascinated with it. Peppered throughout history, there are records of “Troubadour Hunting Parties,” even to this day. Of course, no one has yet to come back with the monster, dead or alive. Then there are Troubadour “researchers.” These people claim to have found Troubadour feathers in the forest. These feathers are much larger than any recorded bird’s. However, most of these feathers, when put under scientific analysis, have proven to be fake, made from synthetic materials (Reference Berkeley’s work here). When whole bushes of berries are stripped bare, the Troubadour is often blamed amongst the less educated folk.

Troubadours have also been blamed for breaking up marriages. Back in the 1800s, in a small community near the border of Leaves and Paint Branch, there was a series of divorces in which the man was accused of cheating on his wife. All the men claimed that they were lured away from their wives by the Troubadour and left confused, leading them to be taken into the arms of another woman. The men said they thought the other woman was their own wife. This became known as the “Dividing Incident” and is still being debated in certain academic circles today. The small community has gained some fame for the incident and opened a tourist center focused on it. Claims that it is a viable reason for divorce in that town have been unverified.

The Troubadour is firmly planted in today’s culture, through shows like “The Search for Troubadour” and, ironically, the popularity of the novelty song “Sing Like a Troubadour” by Jewel E. Ard. The legend has become somewhat of a joke, with the aforementioned “Hunters” and “Researchers” being laughingstocks. There are Troubadour costumes available for purchase. No longer is the tale told to children to scare them. In fact, the children’s version was adapted for an animated feature film in the last decade.

Analysis:
The origin of the legend is probably rooted in the fact that early settlers of the region were not familiar with the local collection of birds. Surely hearing some of the unusual calls for the first time scared and intrigued the settlers. I even bet some of them fell to their deaths when they went exploring and forgot their surroundings. The legend achieved long term relevance when it was archived by Ume. Before that, the tale was based mainly through oral history and could have easily been lost.

I suspect that even with the lack of evidence, the legend will continue to be at the forefront of the fringe sciences. Modern “scientists” claim that analyzing the vocal patterns of the Troubadour will help with finding a suitable mate for us Dirigibles. There is even a supposed black market for the monster’s vocal box. Yes, they are selling something’s vocal box. I feel sorry for the Dirigibles ingesting that. It certainly does not help you land a date when you lean in for a kiss and your partner smells animal guts on your breath.

It is an interesting cultural trajectory to follow though. It starts off as a wondrous creature, then morphs into something to be feared by children, then something that causes “innocent” men to sin against their wives, and now, into something that is basically fun and games and spurs whole careers. What Dirigibles can’t explain soon becomes just another thing to laugh about or profit from.

Conclusion:
Since even with today’s advance technology we have yet to locate even one piece of solid evidence of the animal, Troubadour remains a myth and I do not foresee it ever being discovered.

Characteristics:
Half-Dirgible/Half-Bird
Wingspan is said to be between 10 to 20 feet.
Can either be heard singing in masculine or feminine voice (dependent on who is listening?)
May also be heard with a guitar (Modern reports)

CASE FILE 541

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Art Project: 52 Card Write-Up – Eight of Hearts

Don’t break my heart, my “eight”ky breaky heart…the song is stuck in your head now, isn’t it? The original famous Cyrus, Billy Ray, brought the mullet to the mainstream with his 90s hit “Achy Breaky Heart.” In vase you have finally gotten that song out of your head, here it is again! And now, it is forever immortalized in this card. I love puns. This one made me laugh. This card is truly the “Best of Both Worlds.” Crap, that’s a song by Miley not Billy Ray! Holy Hannah Montana, I better not make that mistake again! Many thanks to the person who wrote this card and allowed Billy Ray to haunt my dreams for a little while.

Analysis: Lost in My Thoughts: A Lost Dissertation – Season 6

Plot: All is laid on the table: the candidates are named, we learn about Jacob and MiB, we see the last of The Others being killed in the Temple or led astray by MiB and then killed by Widmore, Desmond arrives and goes between realities, Sayid turns evil, but turns good and dies, along with Sun and Jin, Claire returns and is crazy, and finally, Jack sacrifices himself for the Island and Hulrey becomes the new Jacob with Ben as his number one. Oh yeah, and the sideways/purgatory universe

Themes
God is Fallible/Man is God – Jacob, the “god” of the Island is caught up in his own flaws and imperfections. He was not the chosen one and he took up the mantle of guardian more out of obligation to his Mother than anything else. He even gets called out on his mistakes by both Sawyer, Kate, and Ben in the final episodes. He probably doesn’t know much about the Island past what Mother told him and he freely admits that he created the Smoke Monster. And later, when Jack and then Hurley take over the Island, we don’t see an instant transformation, a gift of knowledge. Instead we see them acting the same as they did before, with maybe the bonus of being immortal. Even the gods of Lost act like mortal men.

Mother Issues – We see it with Mother and Jacob/MiB. We see it with Crazy Claire. For most of its six seasons, Lost was all about daddy issues, but in its final season, it flipped the script and used mommy issues to drive most of the narrative between the good and evil, black and white sides that made up the conflict in this season.

What is Happiness? – We thought the sideways universe was an alternate universe where the characters got the chance to lead happier lives. Or perhaps it was a fake universe created by Smokey in fulfilling his promise (like to Sayid) to give these characters what they wanted, but with a Fautsian twist. Even the final reveal that it was a purgatory of sorts still asks this question: What is happiness? The sideways universe was a construct of those people in that universe. So why was Kate still on the run? Why was Jack battling daddy issues again? Why was Sayid still a killer? They had what they wanted: Kate might have really been innocent this time around, Jack had a son, Sayid could be with Nadia, though she was married to his brother. The reason why most of the sideways universe stories had a little kink in them is like why in the movie the Matrix the machines explain why they could not build a utopian world for the humans to live in the Matrix: humans reject that because they could not imagine a life that is completely happy. Likewise, in the sideways universe, characters had a semi-solid foundation of happiness (Locke is with Helen, Ben can be a father figure to Alex) but their issues, the ones they can finally admit to, manifest in this “dream” world and force the characters to confront them. It is only after they do and realize who they really are can they be one step closer to happiness and the white light.

Not coincidentally, Island Desmond thinks the sideways universe is his utopia (since he was able to see it while still alive). But Jack tells him that escaping there is not the answer and Desmond needs to live his life with Penny and his son. And what spurs Sideways Desmond to gather the Oceanic people and show them the way? His meeting with Sideways Penny and the realization that his perceived happiness in the sideways world is just masking who he really is: Penny’s soulmate and someone devoted to her, no matter the circumstances.

Letting Go – The last episode basically is a testament to the idea of letting go of your neurosis, of your worries and enjoying the life you have or destiny. Jack both embraces his messiah complex and lets go in finally sacrificing himself for his friends. He knows who he is and does not run from it. A similar catharsis is seen when Sideways Jack meets his father. He lets go both of his daddy issues once and for all and his desire to “live” in that fake universe. We see it in other characters as well: Locke lets go of his need to be in the wheelchair, Said lets go of his belief that he is a killer, and so on. Let go and move on is the sentiment of the final episode and could be extended to earlier episodes as well.

The People In Your Life Who Have Touched You and You Have Touched Are The Most Important – Long title for a theme, but like It’s a Wonderful Life, Lost’s final message is that no man is an Island and his influence on others and their influence on him shape the world we live in. The Oceanic 815 passengers needed each other to become whole. In the real life and the afterlife. Their bonds were strong. And maybe it is only at the end do we realize how important the people we come into contact with are. But when we do, it is sudden and it is like a light dawning. And it is good.

Mysteries
What Did the Nuclear Bomb Do? – It did not create the Sideways Universe. Rather, it did what Jacob’s final words echoed (“They’re coming”): it brought those who were stuvk in 1977 to the present for the final confrontation with Flocke.

Who is Real and Who is Fake in the Sideways Universe? I think it is safe to say anyone on Oceanic Flight 815 is real in the sideways. So Ana-Lucia and Arzt. But Baby Aaron would not be real, because though he was technically on 815, he was not “aware” of anything that happened on that flight or on the Island, being too young to remember. He is simply a construct in the sideways universe to help make Claire remember who she is, as previously mentioned. On the subject of children, David, Jack’s “son” is not real and is merely a construct used to help Jack resolve some of his daddy issues.

Additionally, anyone who spent a lot of time on the Island or had a profound experience on the Island and had contact with the Oceanic people were real: Juliet, Desmond, Penny, Miles, Charlotte, Daniel, Mrs. Hawking, Charles Widmore, Ben, Alex and Rousseau. The maybes out of this group are Ethan (in Claire/Kate’s tale), Keamy and his crew (in Sayid and the Kwon’s stories) and Dogen (appeared in Jack’s episode). Everybody else is a construct.

The Light at the Heart of the Island – What is it? Intense electromagnetic energy. That is why only Desmond could uncork it and survive.

Who was Mother? – Mother raised Jacob and MiB and wanted MiB to be the guardian of the Island. She spoke Latin and killed their real mother. It is implied that she had lived on the Island for a long time but was not the first guardian. She, like Jacob, probably saw her death coming.

Would MiB really destroy the world if he escaped? – Probably not. Remember, Mother told this to Jacob, to get him to protect the Island. It may have been a lie so that Mother could both keep MiB near (being her favorite. “Don’t let him leave me!”) and enlisting Jacob to succeed her. Mother may have felt that Jacob needed a “Villain” to keep him motivated. Over time, this statement becomes “fact” to Jacob and drives him to get candidates, which he then tells about how hell will come if Smokey leaves. The candidates, not knowing any better and seeing Flocke kill and manipulate, believe it. If you take a step back and remember the theme of “God is Fallible” it might be a sly commentary on religion as a whole: we, as man, take things at face value or hold onto beliefs for so long that they become “truth” and, ultimately, it doesn’t matter if it is true or not.

What Happened to the Man in Black in the Cave – Since Jacob could not directly kill his brother, due to the rules set forth by Mother, the Cave may have transformed MiB into the Smoke Monster to circumvent death. Mother did tell Jacob that going into the cave led to a fate worse than death. I think Smokey proves that the warning may have been true if you were a chosen one. Something similar almost happened to Jack: he was spit out of the cave near the spot Jacob found his dead brother’s body, but he did not turn to smoke, possibly because the light had no completely recharged or because he was back to being normal at that point, having passed the torch to Hurley

Side note: In a script, MiB’s real name was revealed to be Samuel. The producers decided to keep his name a mystery to add to the drama.

And that’s it…at least for now! The epilogue found on the Season 6 DVD of Lost, titled “The New Man in Charge” actually sheds more light on some of the subjects touched upon in the dissertation. I won’t go into that now, as I don’t want to spoil it for anyone. Suffice to say, I was right (and wrong).

I want to thank Life After Lost for linking to my posts. For one day out of the week, this blog was popular! 🙂